My dad's going away...again. To make enough money to support his family (plus to make some extra, unfortunate payments), my daddy has to accept work from all over the country - and sometimes out of the country. This trip is to Philly, and he won't be back for at least a month, which means I probably won't see him again until, I guess, May. Sigh... He tried doing the day shift thing at a company nearby, but that turned out to be a bust - he was working twice as hard for less than half pay. Or less.
I miss him. He's missed out on so much of our lives. He keeps saying that it's not gonna be for much longer, that he's got plans... But I don't see any of them coming true in the near future.
Our foster babies returned home today, and as I expected, they were dirty, cranky, and they reeked of cigarette smoke. In all honesty, I have serious doubts that these people are going to get any of their kids back. They hardly take care of them and they hardly pay attention to them when they have them.
And the worst part about it is that I have fallen completely in love with the twins. We've had them since last April, and now they've become part of our family. When we have them during the week I sometimes even forget that they're not biologically related to me. Yee-yee is the sweetest, giggliest, most talkative sweetheart ever, and big brother Bean, though severely autistic, is darling.
Foster parenting takes a strong kind of heart. You're supposed to love the kids, but you're also expected to be able to cut yourself off and give the kids up. It's absolutely horrible. Heartbreak is bad enough without it happening over and over and over again.
...And through all of this, I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I want to kick myself every day I sit there and let the day pass. I'd be perfectly happy never going to college and just living at home for the rest of my life, but God damn I can't let myself do that. I'd never forgive myself.
For right now, however, I think I should settle with little steps. Baby crawling, actually. Gotta get walking to the gas station down the road before I even think about driving. Whenever I see other people my age who have been driving for years now, I hate myself even more. Sigh.
Well, I guess that's enough moping about for one day.
Milk out.
show me how defenseless you really are
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